Quest with Death- The Kiss of Death, Dancing with Her and to Live Again

Dying a slow death over a period of 8 years will bring a new perspective of life. I knew I was dying too, but I kept it to myself. I pushed through it, I worked until I could work no more. I did, however, become determined to find out why and it proved to be elusive to the doctors themselves. Nobody believed me, including my wife at the time. I traveled all over the country over those years enduring multiple heart stress tests, inclined running on that treadmill was demanding. I had all the MRIs, CAT scans, and Brain Spect imaging to no avail. I learned why they call it “practicing” medicine and why they call a doctor’s office “a practice” They were practicing on me. I became a lab rat who had to be a lab rat to discover the cause of this conundrum.

My fight or flight response was on full throttle and increasing by the days and years. I never had a problem managing stress in the past but now any stress whatsoever was crippling me. I would continue to go to work and still get results but it took ever greater inner resolve. When I returned home I would grab a quick dinner and immediately off to bed. I had to eventually take extended leaves of absence and I stayed in bed and slept and slept. I was reading and researching though, trying to figure this puzzle my life had thrown at me. I tried walking and exercising to burn the stress, which worsened it. The fatigue was endless no matter the amount of rest taken

I felt unhappy and lost my zest for life but I had a beautiful life and everything to be thankful for. I’m an optimist and have always been. I am a happy person and enthusiastic by nature. This is not natural and it is illogical. This is not me, nor do I have a reason for it to be. There has to be a cause at play, an inner cause.

The doctors all wanted to give me pills and more pills. They told me I was depressed and I said “No, I am dying” but I took them anyway. They told me I had ADHD because I am a high-energy person with an active mind and they gave me a pill for that. I quit those legal amphetamines, they made me anxious and angry. They thought I was imagining all of this, that it was psychosomatic, and labeled me “bipolar”. I disagree, but I am a little freaked out because I know I am dying. Isn’t that a natural response? I told them you are mistaken and let me tell you why.

I said I have 2 brain hemispheres, left and right, and that is how we are all made. I also understand polarity and the electromagnetic nature of the human body and of the planet and the solar system. I understand the electrical component of my brain and the electromagnetic capacity found in my heart. I understand masculine and feminine energy and that we are all living beings of energy vibrating at a frequency and when in dis-ease or dis-order that frequency can go haywire. I’m fully aware of the importance of the heart-brain axis and of the vitality of heart and brain coherence. Who do you think you are talking to?

In the defense of the medical profession, I understand hypothesis, I understand diagnosis, I understand experimentation and testing. Can we please get to the root of the matter instead of just covering symptoms up with drugs with more side effects than cure?

I was persistent and my primary care physician probably thought I was a pain in the ass because I would not take the diagnosis given. I asked “What test haven’t we tried?” It has to be the brain or the heart, that we can agree on. My brain is normal and no tumors there. My heart is strong, those damn treadmills took a beating, not me. He then ordered an echo-cardiogram. I went in and had it done and within 2 hours received a call that I must come in to speak with him. That is never a good call or the conservation about to be delivered either.

I was told I had an anomaly, a growth, a tumor on one of my heart valves. It was not genetic, it was rare and normally only the living you leave behind learn of it after your death. It will grow until it incapacitates you. It will reduce the oxygen that goes to your brain that will cause problems with your brain with logic and reasoning. It will reduce the ability to focus. It will cause increased fatigue and the body will become lethargic forcing the need for immobility. The body will require more rest and sleep in hopes to recover from the dis-order in the body. Your natural order in the body is out of balance due to this. It will require emergency surgery within a couple of weeks.

This atrial myxoma, they called it, will make you go into survival mode. Your flight or fight response will be cranked up to full volume. You are fighting for survival. I felt a sense of redemption because after 8 long years I had been right all along and finally someone was listening. Those were my symptoms and I suffered from them, pushed through them with the power of human will to keep my family afloat through it all. There are worst fates than dying and I had been run through the gauntlet with everyone doubting me along the way. I trusted myself and my intuition. I decided to tell no one other than who was in that room of my upcoming surgery.

By this time, I had begun blacking out occasionally while walking across a room. Upon this diagnosis, I was now unable to drive a car. I was now unable to work and must take an extended leave of absence from my career.. The need for immediate surgery was due to its large size it was now intermittently blocking and obstructing the blood flow and it is only a matter of time before “lights out”. This surgery will require extensive tests performed to further diagnose and prepare for the method of surgery required.

My doctor recommended a hospital, a surgeon and arranged it all for my upcoming open heart surgery. It was time to get on yet another plane and head to the Cleveland Heart Clinic for the testing, prep, and surgery. This next phase was intrusive in regards to testing. I had to have an esophageal echocardiogram which requires swallowing the camera for internal imaging. The image of the atrial myxoma looked like something out of a science fiction movie. I had to have the measurements of the diameters of my veins and arteries to see if the less invasive robotic means were an option.

There was no other option than surgery and there was no time to “think about it”. It was time to act and my life wasn’t much to live for in the shape I was in. I had suffered for 8 long years and I had my own mortality staring back at me. I had been dancing with death herself over this time and it took more than a simple “two-step” or “jitterbug” to get me to this point. I had told no one and the only person to know other than my doctor and medical professionals involved was my wife at the time. I didn’t even share this with my own children. This is a mental game and I must stay focused without sympathy.

The surgery was a week away and it became a time of reflection. Will I come out of this alive and what if I don’t? Was it a life lived fully? Was it a life to be grateful for? What is life all about anyway? What is the meaning of life? I already felt dead inside. How bad can death be? Was I a good example of a human being? Did I make a difference in anyone’s life or did I just live for myself? Did I love or even find out what it truly is? What would I have done differently? Did I live and learn or continue to repeat the same mistakes? Did I live my life or someone else’s? You get the picture. The answers were not all rainbows and butterflies either.

After much contemplation, the truth is I had lived an incredible life in my 49 years. I had lived the life of someone 200+ years based on the sum of my life experiences. Everything I had written down as goals I had somehow achieved. There was magic in all those notebooks of goals that most call dreams. Those dreams became reality for me. My children were all grown up and out into the world loving life and making their own mistakes. I had so many adventures to speak of with many places and countries visited. I had loved and lost, only to love again. I was a poor kid who became rich monetarily. I could buy anything money could offer but only found it wasn’t the answer. Money is a tool and sometimes less is more when it comes to the true riches of life. I overcame many obstacles and challenges. I became a better version of myself. What more could I possibly ask for?

The sense of gratitude and thankfulness enveloped me in a blanket of peace and love at that moment. I had not only danced with death but now I didn’t fear her any longer. If it is my time I will welcome it for I have lived through many trials, mistakes, and blunders but learned, adapted, and changed through it all. Change is the only constant and I love it and have always embraced it. No conformity for me and I will not dwell on past failures. I am not who I was yesterday, let alone 10 or 20 years ago. Now I am getting somewhere to this meaning of life thing.

Life is meant to be lived, to fall on our faces, to get back up, look in the mirror and ask, “How’s that working for ya?” and not be afraid of the answers. Take those answers and turn them into change, the adaptations of life. What was really important about my life? What do I remember that still brings a smile to my face? Was it the BMW or the Porsche? Not a chance, it attracted all the wrong things and people into my life. Was it climbing that Pyramid in South America? Oh yeah, playing Maya in the land of the feathered serpent was memorable. Was it running around naked on a deserted island I found off the coast of the Carolinas playing castaway? How about simply waking early every morning and just watching the sunrise one more time? Yes, again.

The toys get us to the adventure but it is the experiences that we will always remember. Experiences and adventure are the spirit fuel of life. If I make it through this surgery I will put more emphasis on exploring and experiencing new things. If not it has been a great ride.

The morning of the surgery I arose early, showered, and applied the antibacterial wash as directed, and headed to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning. Does anyone else notice surgeons seem to be extremely early morning people? Why is that anyway? I forgot to ask and hopefully, I won’t get another opportunity to ask that question. I arrived and brought back to the prep area. As I was waiting there was a pastor, priest and I don’t know which that was there to pray over and with people. He just stood there waiting to be called upon. I believe in God and I believe in the power of meditation and prayer. On this day I chose to have no intermediary whatsoever. This is going to be one on one with me and the source. I didn’t realize it then but I took a piece of my own power and freedom back in that instant.

I felt incredibly calm and with inner peace, they wheeled me into the operating room. I was smiling and laughing with everyone with no fear at all. I no longer had any fear of death and whatever happens, is great. The surgeon informed me that I was on the threshold and I would not know if this surgery will be the less invasive robotic or the full chest cracked open like an egg variety. Those are my choice of words on the last part, he was more clinical in his terminology. “No worries”, I replied. Let’s get this party started as the anesthesia was pumped into my arm and the world faded from view. I just let go.

How much time has elapsed? It sure felt like an extremely long time. I was loopy when I realized I was back and they told me that my surgery was a success. Unfortunately, they had to do the open chest part for my open heart surgery. I had this eery feeling I had gone somewhere else but where did I go? Maybe it was just the effect of major surgery. As I came down from the anesthesia and left recovery to my room I felt really different. The world was more vivid and it wasn’t the drugs. I felt more alive than ever even though I had just undergone major heart surgery. I was humbled by it all.

I was up and walking the halls in 3 days, climbing up and down the stairs in 4 days. I was walking around the whole hospital under my own strength. I could have left the hospital at 5 days but they recommended I stay for 7 days. I obliged and it was time for the return trip home. Painkillers were prescribed of the narcotic variety. The narcotics were discarded for ibuprofen 3 days after leaving that hospital. The other 10 medications would soon follow and be removed as well per my doctor’s orders.

My life had been returned to me and it felt like I was being given a do-over in many ways. My energy and vibrance for life returned. My optimism and vitality returned as I began to exercise, cycle, and run outdoors. I had forgotten how good it felt to just be alive, the sun hitting my face, the birds chirping, the stillness of the morning before sunrise. It was like I had been awakened from a bad dream and the awareness of my surroundings was amplified. The little things I had not noticed or forgotten were now the most important things. The very small things that are the salt of life. Wow, Somehow, I went from dying a slow death, to dancing with her and even kissed death on the lips when it was all said and done.

What will I do with this newfound sense of being and of life itself? Will I go back to what I was doing before even though I grew to hate it and it is life-draining? What part of that career was life-enriching, the part that when I look back I smile? My legacy, the one I am most proud of, was making a difference in people’s lives. Sharing my lessons and showing by example how to survive in this beautiful but harsh world. Teaching them how to provide for themselves and their families and navigate the trials and pitfalls that befall us. Maybe if I share these experiences including the mistakes and missteps, it will give someone a head start or at least a shortcut to their goals and dreams.

Mentoring others and watching them soar out here in the world has been the gift that always keeps giving. I will self-less and all for-giving. It fuels my heart and the “human will” lies in the heart. That will to live kept me alive when my body defied me. The human spirit lives in the heart and it is waiting to be awakened. I did some unique practices that helped keep me alive over those 8 years and others I have learned since my climb back to health. When you are given a do-over you follow the map you are given from a trip to beyond. Taking your power back can be so rewarding on a soul’s journey.

I went from blacking out by walking across a room to today hiking the most rugged terrain I can find with a 40lb pack to the tune of over 70 miles a week. I climb mountains, hike the grandest of canyons, and kayak rivers throughout the USA. I take no medications. I live a simple life but a full life. I measure the richness of life in experiences. I live a peaceful quiet life. I am so humble now when I was so prideful at times in the past.

This adventure of a lifetime was returned to me and I will capture every bit of it, one moment at a time. My quests will be your quests too and I will share them with everyone. Game on!